The Big Annoying Contradiction:

There's a conflict in my life that I've never truly been able to get a handle on. I merely manage it out of necessity, in hopes that it will find its own true resolution sometime in the future.

I'm an anxious person with a tendency towards feelings of loneliness. It doesn't jibe well with the industry I'm in.  I really do enjoy bringing love and laughter to my friends, but I seem to feel left out of the fold through no fault of theirs much of the time. This can be a very lonely existence, the life of a character actor. So much so that I've finally resigned to making an effort to change my outward appearance since it seems such a block toward anyone actually wanting to get to know me on a more personal (or even at some point, romantic) level.  I do have some truly wonderful friends...it's not their fault, and I NEVER want to give that impression. I despise feeling sorry for myself, but as the years go on I see so much of the industry getting younger, while my prospects grow slim. Add to that the fact that it's so damn difficult to remain stationary enough to run into people outside the buisness, and it often turns into a very repetitious and unforgiving cycle.  The contradiction manifests itself in the "okay-ness" that we must constantly portray as live performers, never conceding to our own loneliness and shortcomings.

Social awkwardness seems to have followed me up from elementary and high school on (chronically bullied, non-athletic, chastized for being "the sensitive kid") although my charisma seems to be far better at deflecting it as I run into more and more people who function on my intellectual level.  I sometimes think about how much more rewarding this current success would be if I had someone special in my heart to share it with.  I grow envious of other people's circumstances, but not in an unpleasant way, because I do still acknowledge that it could certainly happen for me, too.  They know I cheer their successes, and only strive to learn from them what makes it work, so I can parlay those experiences into a more fulfilling time for myself.

I've said time and time again how much I earnestly "root" for all my married friends that seem to be making a go of it in this business. They're on Broadway, they're all over the country, and they've seemed to "crack the code." What a gift it must be to have that sort of grounding in your life in times when you feel like you're hurtling through existence without a single other constant in your world.

Hope springs eternal...so I go on. Much love, everyone...

c